Perhaps because it is Father's Day I feel the need to reflect on the role of fathers and men generally in advocating for their children's rights. In the vast majority of cases the burden for advocacy falls on the mother. Fathers and men too often fail to realize that sometimes just showing up at a meeting in support of the child can make an enormous difference. In my list of essential advocacy points, I list that "men must attend meetings." [number 11] I was actually accused of being a male chauvinist for stating this position at a parent training.
What was lost in translation was not that women are incompetent advocates because nothing could be more untrue; rather, that the dynamic of the meeting can often go differently if the father, uncle, grandfather, brother or even male co-worker or friend comes to a meeting or mediation. Personally, I think it has as much to do with the dynamic between women at IEP meetings which is not always a pretty experience to say the least. My wife once showed up at a meeting [the only time without me] and every opinion she expressed was totally marginalized and discredited. The following week there was a followup meeting and I used the same words she had used to express the position, and coming out of my mouth the words had credibility and were accepted.
My favorite anecdote in this regard occurred years ago. I was making a presentation to a group of parents and I made the statement "that men must attend IEP meetings." Someone in the audience conveyed this piece of personal wisdom to single mom who had been fighting futilely over the course of 9 IEP meetings for some incremental addition of service minutes. After hearing this advice, she showed up to meeting number 10 with several male co-workers, who knew nothing about special education, but attended with arms folded like "Mr. Clean" and looked very male (and probably a little intimidating), and the issue was finally resolved.
Of course this little piece of wisdom does not work every time and there are many many men that come to every meeting and are extremely involved in advocacy. So on this Father's Day to all the men who are fathers or who care about a child with special needs, recognize the power of your presence at a meeting, it can be remarkably valuable. Happy Father's Day and remember we count big time in our children's lives.
To the last commentator, I need to object that you did not read the post in its entirety. Women are wonderful advocates. My point is that men need to share the burden, and their presence changes the dynamic of the meeting given the unfortunate interplay of women relative to other women at meetings.
Posted by: Charles Fox | June 21, 2006 at 06:53 PM