Hostile Parents Are Made, Not Born – A Primer for Schools to Understand Parents

Too often school districts' perceptions of parents are formed based upon preconceived notions and assumptions.   The following posting was written for school personnel so they can better understand what motivates and animates parents.  This primer may be helpful to better explain to school districts what has gone wrong in the relationship between school and home.   At a minimum, parents may want to share this posting with the school personnel to further dialogue.

1. Encourage and maintain an open, bilateral conversation where both sides can be truly heard and acknowledged to have valid perspectives to share.  Briefly, when I (parent) talk, you (school district) listen, and when you (school district) talk, I (parent) listen. Brainstorming is a great antidote to exclusive conversations that do not value all points of view.
2. Avoid phrases like: “the team has determined,” when the parents were not part of any such determination; “in all my years we just don’t do things that way,” which is demeaning to parents and shuts down any further exchange; and “if you do not like it, file due process” is obviously provocative.
3. Militant and hostile parents are made, not born.  Most parents want nothing more than to have peaceful and collaborative relations with schools, but somewhere along the way, the relationship soured.  In my experience, the most powerful forces that make parents militant is the feeling that the school is shutting them out of the process, the school is being less than candid, and the school is being punitive when faced with a behavioral crisis.
4. Be aware of the fact that often, the most serious and common behavioral issues involving a child with disabilities are because the child is in a mode where the only options open to him or her is fight, flight or fright.  The irony is that too often, the incident escalates because staff responds with a mirror image response of fight, flight or fright.  Good, solid training  of staff in crisis intervention and detailed planning (i.e., “fire drill“ for behaviors) will more likely result in staff responding more objectively and rationally, which tends to de-escalate a behavioral crisis.
5. Refusing or not offering to share evaluative reports well before meetings are a common complaint of parents. Most parents need a thorough explanation of the nature of the tests, how, when, and where tests are to be given, whether for an initial evaluation or triennial review, or otherwise.  At meetings, schools cannot expect parents to understand, digest and finally endorse the validity of testing when the results may be difficult to hear and certainly to understand, especially when the parents have not been part of the process.
6. Parental training is a related service that is too often overlooked.  Parents who understand their child’s disability and feel that staff also has a thorough understanding are more likely to be collaborative.
7. Staff training should not be a subject that requires FOIA letters and attorneys to probe.  If your staff is top flight, then be open about it.  If some staff need more training, then be open about ongoing training.
8. Mistakes are made on both sides of the table.  Taking ownership of the mistake and correcting that mistake is vital.
9. Assistive technology (“AT”) is an area of which many schools are still not very aware.  AT is not just for children with communication issues.  It extends to hardware and software that can help in learning, communicating, organizing and accessing the curriculum.
10. Never refuse mediation; it fuels due process and the hostility of the parties.  At mediation, try not to take comments personally.   It is often a forum for parents to “vent” and hopefully forges a more positive relationship in the future.  You do not have to agree, but you should listen (see Rule #1 above).