Communication None-0-1 by Lori Miller Fox

When I was in school, I don’t remember parents and teachers talking very much at all, maybe because it took close to five minutes to dial a seven-digit number on a rotary phone. So communication was pretty minimal: a nod at Open House, a note on the bottom of a report card, an awkward handshake at a Parent-Teacher conference. 

When my son was in grade school, the spiral notebook was the way to “stay informed.” Tucked neatly in his Nike backpack, it carried notes from home to school and  home again. Straight-forward, reliable, easy-to-use, the only complications with this method was legibility, fraying of pages and oh yeah, getting the teacher to read it.

In this day and age with the advent of cell phones, text messaging and instant emails, you’d think communication between parents and schools would be so clear that there’d be nothing left to discuss at an IEP meeting. So why is it that we still don’t understand each other? Here are some possible examples (all fiction, of course).

Day 1

Dear Mary:

Hope you are fine.

Thank you so much for sharing the highlights of my son’s school day. It makes me feel like an important part of the team.

I see he has math homework today and a science lab write-up due on Friday. I will look at his assignments as soon as he comes home from school today.

Since we have such a busy schedule, between doctor and therapy appointments, could you maybe try getting some of this work done in school?

All your help and best efforts are very much appreciated.

Look forward to seeing you and the team at our upcoming IEP meeting.

Mom.

Day 2

Hi Mary:

Hope all is well.

Thanks for the summary of my son’s school day. Your many observations were extremely informative.

I looked at the math yesterday, but as it’s been a long time since I’ve studied math, I couldn’t figure out how to do the problems. Could you please send home either math notes or a few sample problems?

Also, despite my best efforts, I was not able to help my son with his lab write-up since no data was sent home. Please send lab results tomorrow. 

We will put forth our best efforts to catch up on homework tomorrow as we have PT today. Could you please try to get some of the homework done during a resource period in school?

Thank you for all your help.

We will see you very soon at my son’s IEP.

Mom.

Day 3

Mary:

Hope you’re ok.

Again, thanks for your daily reports, but the degree to which you are detailing my son’s day must be very time-consuming for you and is not really necessary. Please know this level of intimate detail is not really useful/beneficial.

I’m still confused by my son’s math assignments which have doubled since our last email and continue to come home without support.  Please tell me where to find the information or get them done during one of my son’s three scheduled resource periods in school.

As for the lab write-up, I still have no data from which to help him write the conclusion. Nor do I have the proper equipment in my home to enable me to recreate this lengthy and dangerous experiment. Plus my son has OT tonight so he will not have time to do any homework. So please send results home immediately, and I will write the damn thing up myself.

See you at the meeting.

Mom.

Day 4

Ms. Falk:

Doing all right?

Please refrain from sending daily reports.  These indepth and petty descriptions of my son’s inappropriate and involuntary behaviors and verbal outbursts are neither helpful nor welcome.

Yes, I know he has math. But I can’t do it. I’ve already paid the neighbor kid $50 to do your job. And he wants another $50 by Tuesday or he’s cutting me off.   And give me the goddamned data for the lab write-up, because I don’t have a bunson burner and if I did, I would use it to set myself on fire and not have to worry about the freakin lab write-up. And now you want me to read him a book by Monday? Fat chance!

I wish I’d never met any of you.

Mom.

Day 5

Falk:

You ok? I don’t give a damn.

Thanks for another play by play, I thought my head would explode. Either stop sending me these mean-spirited, hurtful, descriptions of my son’s behavior at school, or I will file a complaint with the Board of Education for harrassment.

And why can’t you help my son complete his math homework at school? What are resource periods anyway?  They’re not like natural resources, like you’re going to run out of them, so we must use them sparingly.  And I’m tired of getting the run around with the science data, so my lawyer will be serving the science teacher with a subpoena for lab results. And frankly I’m more than a little suspicious about the secrecy which surrounds your “supposed lab data.” He has forty eight hours during which to respond.

I dread seeing you and your smug little face at the next IEP meeting.

Mom.

Day 6

Yeah,

Yada yada yada. You know the drill.

I’m pulling my son out of resource and enrolling him in Shop. And the repeated requests for math support -- forget it, I bought my son a calculator and hired him a CPA.  As for the science, my son isn’t even taking science. And you’re not even his teacher!

Stop sending me emails. Forget you ever knew me. I demand no further communication from you of any kind. I am deleting you now, right now. I swear. I delete you . I delete you . I delete you. You are spam. You are spam. You are spam!

I’m cancelling my son’s IEP meeting . I can’t stand the sight of any of you!

Mom.

cc: Special Education Attorney

Comments

[A C]

Just read through this "conversation" between fictional Mom and non-existent teacher, and I have to say I am a bit offended by this.

As a teacher myself, I feel the teacher in this exchange comes across as, well, uncaring and distant. Although I understand that, at times, teachers may not seem like they are giving "100%" to EACH child, please remember that we are responsible (and, dare I say, expected) to give 100% to 125 students a day (on a secondary level). Furthermore, with districts tightening their belts, more and more tasks are being assigned to teachers (both General and Special Ed).

I ask, what would you have us do? Why are the teacher's emails not included in the above post? What if that teacher had to write 125 of those emails each day? Would you be able to send over the "friggin data" for the dangerous lab?

[JC mother of three]

I loved communication None-0-1. It was like looking at my daughters communication book.

The other communication I love from the school is the computer generated notes letting us know our child is failing a class and how important it is for us to parent and do what is right even though all the accomodations on the IEP haven't been followed or the modifications haven't been made to the curriculum. Or the letter informing us of the number of days our daughter has missed school and how that effects her education. This would be sent the same day I was called to pick her up because she is to ill to be at school 2nd call this week. I have three children and never been made to feel like such a failure as a parent until my daughter was born (youngest of three).

[Amanda]

I love it Lori! And to all those Mom's out there who can't get the teacher to fill out a communication notebook do what I did, create a worksheet so the teacher can just mark off the things you need to know and than ride their a** until they do it!

[Lisa]

Oh yeah, my preschool communication notebook reads just like this, currently - sans the upper grade level comments. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.... his teacher was well meaning at the beginning, but clearly got sick of updating me even though she set the level of expectation. My son is non verbal, so this is all I have to go on, she could write anything and I have no way of knowing otherwise. So alot of miscommunication also goes on. She also just doesn't give any weight to my comments as "home behavior has little to do with school performance", her words not mine. Lucky me. But you were dead on with this post! Thanks for some much needed humor!

[Nancy LaBerge]

Lori Miller Fox said it all. There's nothing left to say. Perfect. Thank you, Lori.
On my way to ninth IEP meeting in so many years. Needed the great laugh.

[Daunna Minnich]

Laughed till I cried! My husband had to leave the room to find peace & quiet.

[need the laughs]

I loved this, as we have just experienced this with our child this school year. So, dead-on. I don't think school folks consider their personal role in driving parents over the edge. We've started a communication system, and now that teachers are finally responding, we just can't understand why they're not responding to the items/concerns in the notes sent! If they were answering questions on a test, they'd get an F. - I know this gallows humor is hard for school teachers to read, but like all good humor, it is deeply rooted in truth. I've noticed school staff slamming parents trying to extract information from them as "helicopter parents" or "harrassing parents," ignoring their role in the dance. --- If teachers are so overworked (and I know, they are, especially sped teachers!), then they must stand up and not take their system's bs anymore --- like any abused workers would.

[Maura Larkins]

Lori Miller Fox did a great job of demonstrating the way in which many, many teachers operate. They don´t realize that they are accomplishing nothing good by sending home work that neither the child nor the parent knows how to do. Why not send home review problems until the teacher finds time to teach the new concept to the child?

[Cyn]

Oh Lori...

You really keep me alive and going. For real.

What I can share with you is this: During our due process hearing recently the school district's attorney opened with a statement regarding there being a "disconnect" in communication between school and parent. You think? I found this to be very profound as I read your recent entry.

Thanks for the humor!

[bill saccone]

My son is turning 3 going into the local school district this year. His IEP meeting is next week and you are all scaring me with these horror stories. That being said I am happy to have read your notes it is far better to go into battle armed.

[Rachel]

As a teacher and a parent, I see things from both sides. While I'm at work, teaching high school students about literature, I try very hard to keep homework at a minimum. My students need to read a few chapters a night. The rest is done at school.

Meanwhile, my elementary student is sent home with piles of worksheets. Let's explore "latin" root words, and "find the subjunctive" fun times. It is work all over again. He doesn't connect to anything he has ever heard before. If I weren't an English teacher with a Masters degree, I wouldn't know half this stuff, either.

We should all respect our children's teachers. It is not their fault their rooms are being stuffed past capacity. This is an administrative issue. Curriculum worksheets are ordered by the district. Giant classrooms are ordered by the district. And this district is particularily (I'm sorry) dumb. WE pay their salaries, so if we hate the system, we need to go to the top. Cause this system is not working. I know, I'm a teacher. In order for me to teach each child, I can have no more than 18 students. That's high school. Think about the over stuffing implications at the elementary level. My kid's class has 27. That means children that don't learn through osmosis are the ones sitting in the IEP meetings. How about more worksheets from two years ago. That ought to work? Spell AND and THE again, after work, while you're cooking dinner.

[Lisa]

Lori, you hit the nail on the head! I cannot believe how difficult it's been for me to get the staff to read the notebook and to respond. I feel like I have to write the same notes everyday too. What is so hard about that, to make that a priority in their day? My son is autistic, so he's not going to tell me about his day. And then we put sheets together to fill out each day and it still doesn't get done.
Anyway, well done. You had me chuckling after just sending my own angry email to the school!

[stacey]

right on target!
[teacher] You want math? I'll give you math...
you want communication? I'll give you communication... You wrote exactly the truth. So funny! So true! so sad...