There Must Be Fifty Ways to Leave Your District by Lori Miller Fox

Now that our son has graduated from Junior High, we can finally say farewell to the sometimes problematic school district that has educated him for the past twelve-plus years and begin anew with High School. And while there were several wonderful one-to-ones, PHIs, more than a few teachers, and even a very fair-minded Special Education Director, who provided real leadership and caring, now that we’re finally finished there have been times that I felt like “I wish we could’ve left sooner.” I dedicate this post to all of the struggling families out there still stuck in unhealthy district relationships and offer some creative ways to make a clean break.

So, like the song says (sort of)...“Get on the schoolbus, Gus. Make a transition plan, Stan. Get your appropriate education free, Lee. And just listen to me...”

The first thing you may want to do is just look the team straight in their eyes and argue “we were never really right for each other.”

Or highlight your incompatibility by claiming “we were simply thrown together by a twist of FAPE.”

If they need a reason, you could be honest and offer “there was no augmentative communication between us.”

If they get huffy you can ask them, “why do you care? You’re hardly ever there -- Teacher’s Institute, Inservice, public holidays, maternity leave...”

If they demand more concrete information, you can lay your cards on the table and blurt out “face it, after the first IEP meeting, the trust was gone.”

Or you can mention specifics and tell them, “it’s been over ever since I caught you cheating on my child’s evaluation.”

You can try explaining your side and state, “I feel like you don’t understand a word I’m saying, maybe it’s because you have an unqualified speech therapist.”

Note the irreconcilable differences with the school and declare, “when it comes to educating the children, I have to do everything myself.”

Let them know your frustration and complain “all week long I slave and slave over boring textbooks, relearning subjects I had to learn years ago, and do I get a word of encouragement or acknowledgment? No, all I hear about is what I don’t do.”

If you want to be more neutral and not point out blame, just tell them “the 1, 2, 3, Magic is gone.”

If you’re feeling a little torn, you can explain, “lately, I feel like the only thing between us is a mediation table.”

If you want to skirt around the issue, you can say “I can’t help but shake the feeling that when you’re teaching concepts in the classroom, you’re really just not that into them.”

If you want to be a little more direct, you can announce “I’m tired of faking it, you’re not satisfying my child in the classroom. The private tutor takes them to a higher place -- higher education. “

If you must be blunt, cry out “I lied. Grades do matter, kids don’t always fail, and it is a big deal!”

If things get violent, make an excuse, and calmly state “I’m just going out for a pack of Pediasure.”

Once you own your power, proudly declare “I’m a different person now, I have read my Parents’ Rights Manual.”

If things start to get really ugly, don’t worry, just take a step back and utter the following words “have your special education lawyer call my special education lawyer.”

Try to put it all behind you and suggest , “I’m hoping by Junior High School Graduation, this will all have been a bad dream.”

Propose that they “remember the good times -- like Christmas Break.”

If all else fails, just be honest and shout “staying together is only hurting the children !”

[And when all else fails, remember to give your 10 day notice of unilateral placement.]

Comments

[Sandy Alperstein]

Lori, this is one of the funniest pieces ever! So clever! Thanks!!

[Liza]

I just posted a tribute on my blog. Love. This.

[Sad in Gurnee]

While I truly appreciate the clever wording of this and all the other parodies by Lori,it saddens me to know that many parents feel this way. I work in the school system and these posts undermine of all of us who work so hard to support our students within the classroom. If there are specific issues with specific districts or district staff, state it as such. PLEASE don't lump us all into one as uncaring and incompetent!

[Charles Fox]

Dear Sad in Gurnee: Lori went out of her way to acknowledge and to recognize the hard working and dedicated people who have been in our son's life over the years. Why is it that criticism or humor against some is always "undermining" and unfair to all even with these qualifiers. Continue working hard but there are many who cause huge amounts of frustration and fail to act appropriately. These parodies just do not happen to refer to you.

Charlie Fox

[A Parent]

I can't give my name, because we haven't quite left the district yet. Suffice it say, right now I look at it like trying to get out of an abusive relationship. We have a plan. If we can stay focused and out of harm's way we will be out by fall.

Lori--thank you so much for the lift, and for Sad in Gurnee--yes, it hasn't all been bad. I have tried whenever possible to acknowledge the individual help we have received. However, within a dysfunctional system--like many districts--good individuals are not enough. They have to be willing to stand up and change the structural problems.

I remember the teacher who cried at an IEP meeting--all the other parents told her to just write down whatever she thought was right and they would sign it, because they trusted her. I tried to explain that needing to having a clear IEP wasn't about trust or not trust. I couldn't trust that she would be my son's teacher in a year. As it turned out, she wasn't.

I would also point out to Sad, the number of teacher comments--in blogs and elsewhere (I have even heard them at school Open Houses)--that dump responsibility for school underperformance on parents--or on students with disabilities.

[Mrs. C]

Oh, yeah. I had a district do about all of the above, all at the same time. They especially enjoyed locking my autistic son in the closet (they call it a "safe room") on several occasions. He's so much easier to control when they don't have to interact with him! They wondered why he couldn't function well after they ignored almost all suggestions from parents and professionals interested in my son's care. You know, the ones that actually cost staff time or money...

My eyes have been opened. This district wants to cram as many kids in a classroom as possible, teach to the test and then get them out of there. If they can't do that, they'll just lie on the evaluations so they can give the kid a juicy label and rake in money from the state.

I know there are "caring professionals" out there. I've seen some. They are, however, when push comes to shove, more interested in preserving their jobs than in doing the right thing in advocating for my son. I am glad that my husband has allowed me to at least educate *this* child at home. Good riddance to the school district, and guess how I'm voting on the next bond issue?

Mrs. C

[Another Everyday Parent]

Lori,

Thanks for always sharing your insights from the heart and the funny bone.

Parents do try to exit gracefully and there are times the school district make this a painful process regardless.

I agree that there are indeed a few out there who care, yet must remain silent in order to preserve their jobs. These kind individuals are too out-numbered by administration, tenured staff (who are by now lost in the stone age of proper theories) and others staffers who just do not "get it".

We have been both fortunate and (mostly) devastated by the process.

[Brenda]

Sad, I've read posts by teachers and they never tire of blaming the parents or students.

And as for the teacher who cried at the IEP meeting, well, she probably did that because she was afraid that you would find out the (probable)truth about her -- that she was incompetent.

[mom of boy with autism]

Unfortunately too many of us understand and find the comments funny as this is what we face.

[Lisa]

Lori, Thank you for the humor. Laughter is the best medicine, so they say.

[teechkidz]

There are three lines in Lori's post which say positive things about school staff and about fifty that state all the ways schools fail children and you wonder why Sad in Gurnee feels attacked?

I am removing your blog from my blogroll. As a teacher who always does my best and who does not blame or lump together parents or anyone else I can't see sending my fellow teachers to this blog to be bashed 50 lines to 3. And that's just this post!

This isn't the first time I have stuck up for other dedicated teachers on this blog, but it is now the last!

[Charles Fox]

Kate (teechkidz): I regret that you have chosen to remove specialedlaw from your blogrool but respect your decision. I also regret that you can not recognize that the frustration of many parents towards schools in general does not lessen the value or dedication
of individuals such as yourself. Parents are frustrated with many things that have been inflicted upon them in school. Part of my purpose is to affirm those feelings even at the risk of insulting dedicated teachers such as yourself.

We obviously will not see eye to eye on this but I wish you well.

Charlie Fox

[Julie]

This was great!!!

I have just sent a link to your blog out to everyone I know. Thanks so much for the laughter this morning!

[Kintropy]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for the satire & humor. We and our daughter have had our first IFSP (she's three). So far, we've been able to get everyone to focus on Hannah's goals rather than some externally-set milestone, but some of your comments already ring true....

[educational consultant/parent]

It simply amazes me. Teachers become offended by the honesty of what they see on a daily basis in their own schools. If every teacher was as dedicated to their students as Sad says she is, then why are so many of us parents chuckling to Lori's blog? As a consultant working in several states, I can say this satire is apropos to every meeting I've every attended.

[lol]

I like/need the humor, and especially because it is soooo true. Why do teachers and other school staff who are not responsible for such bad behavior deny the real experiences of parents who have lived this? Do these offended pros really believe that we don't experience them as individuals --- and judge them on the content of their character and by their actions? If they're good, we lift them up to the skies with our praises. If they're not, well... we can laugh, can't we? --- Keep the laffs coming!

[Deb Robson]

I've just been sent to this post by a friend who is writing a book on pediatric bipolar disorder (I don't like the word "disorder," but it's better than "disease"). We have jointly (with another special mom) co-edited an anthology on profoundly gifted kids that will be out this fall (between us, our kids have a variety of neurological anomalies).

I won't be stopping by regularly because, thank heaven, my daughter is now 26 and I no longer have to deal with the public school system. I had to choose between fighting for her right to an FAPE and actually getting her an education. I chose the latter.

Humor like this post displays is the only thing that keeps parents sane sometimes. I went down the list in the post--eight years after my daughter reached 18--and nodded with a smile at every point. Thanks for writing and sharing it.

Sad in Gurnee and teechkidz are obviously some of the teachers who care AND are willing to act on behalf of kids who don't fit the standard profile for students. It sounds like *they* don't fit the standard profile of educators that some of us have experienced. (And we do recognize that some educators don't fit the standard, just as we recognize that our kids don't fit the standard.)

When we were dealing with our school district, we got a whole lot of lipservice from people who cared but couldn't, or wouldn't, do anything--although they always said they *would* do something . . . next week, next semester, next year. This was a district with 20,000+ students that is very proud of itself. It does some things well. It sweeps some kids under the rug.

I ended up homeschooling my daughter for four years (as a single parent with a full-time job) and then using my retirement money to send her to private schools. I could not, in addition to this, afford the help of a special education lawyer, even though I knew a similar case had been decided favorably for the parents at the Supreme Court level--AFTER the "child" was well into her 20s.

Yes, I filed a civil rights complaint with the Department of Education (125 pages of civil rights violations within the stipulated limitation of the previous six months), which I could do without a lawyer. That resulted in the district paying for a few hours of tutoring a week. I was grateful. It was something. It was not an FAPE.

Yes, we have to laugh.

And in my case I continue to acknowledge, with thanks, that within the public school system there were three grade-school teachers, two grade-school counselors, one high-school counselor, and two high-school English teachers who made a greatly appreciated positive difference during the eleven years before I moved heaven and earth to send my daughter to private school. Across the country. At great personal expense.

We have to hope that the good, caring teachers understand that parents too often stand alone in attempting to get school district bureaucracies to meet the legal requirements.

Yes, it's hard for districts to meet those requirements. But WE are legally required to educate our kids, even when psychological testing indicates that the public system is making them suicidal! And we also pay taxes that support the public schools, whether they educate our kids or refuse to.

I can still get pretty heated up about this, and I'm generally a very calm person.

Thanks, again, for the laughs.

If this post is too long, either skip approval or I'll edit it . . . later. I've got a book to get to press.

[francello mccoy]

To whom it may concern,
I'm seeking help to find a school outside the district of Riverview school in Saint Louis,Missouri. We all know that there is no school is Saint Louis County are not accepting any of our students, for numerous reason which is unfair. Suppose If Ladue or Clayton lost there accreditation would this also apply to these schools as well. Every door has been slam in my face, my children hopes and dreams are destroy because of school's policies. Please assistance me in striving to giving them the best education which they deserve also. It should be some program like VICC program for the County schools or voucher to send our children to Private school when every school is Missouri says NO! The law needs to be added for "No Child Left Behind" its against the law to reject an child of an education. Regardless of what school or community they may come from. Never judge all books by the cover or says this will never happen in my community. In case of any emergency we need to be more prepare for the worse. But we put tax payers money into building a new stadium for tourist and revenue. But here we have kids that are put out of school for losing there school's accreditation. This is our next President or Senator for the future and we can't even give them a descent choice of education. That is why so many of our children our lost because of "No Hope" or "Love". The diseases, drugs, pregnancy, suicide and destructive minds are taking over our future. Please enforce prays back into our schools, to protect our children's and give them hope again. Thank you
Mrs Francello McCoy